4 to 5 hours a day [Original Art]

I’m on day 11 of Elvanse and most of the physical symptoms of the comedowns are now settling, as are the positive effects of the adhd drug.

I’m responding really well to it and people are telling me I’m super lucky to seem to have found the medication that works for me pretty much immediately – and don’t get me wrong – I do feel incredibly lucky! In fact, I feel amazing. Like I can finally just Exist and Do Things. I can see clearly, hear clearly, think without the noise, move around without the anxiety, or just choose to sit down and relax if I want to(!)

For 4 to 5 hours a day.

And then the noise starts coming back, and I can feel the tingles from the corners of my eyes and my skin starts to prickle up with the internal buzzing, and I know that it’s time to get back to “JenJen Classic” as Husbeard calls me.

I’m struggling with this new kind of jealousy – “typical” people don’t have the filter obscuring everything. I get to see and experience the world like you do (For 4 to 5 hours a day) and I get it now. And I’m jealous.

I’m struggling with this new kind of anger and grief – Why can’t I have that? Imagine what I could’ve accomplished if I didn’t have this? What if I had gotten meds 20 years earlier? Even just 10 years ago?

I’m trying to be kind to JenJen Classic, but I’ve been more frustrated with her than usual. Once I come off the 4 to 5 hours of clarity and I find myself stumbling over words again, typing the wrong emails, losing things, struggling to hear what people are saying or being unable to sit in my chair and just look at my art for more than 10 seconds, I’m having to remind myself that my husband and my friends love both sides of me, and JenJen Classic was the one they got to know first, so she can’t be that bad.